So Much Better Than Fruitcake: Holiday-Themed Sex Toys by: Phallophile Reviews

’Tis the season to be jolly—and nothing makes me more jolly than a few good orgasms. For all my fellow perverts, I’ve made my list of holiday-themed sex toys (and checked it twice). I hope it will brighten your winter wonderland!

Red and Green Toys

If you’ve left the house recently, you’ve seen it everywhere: the bright red and green decorations pop up in stores everywhere, earlier every year. Why not take a break from the usual sex toy colors—black, purple (or pink), and tan—and get something more festive? Here are my top picks for red and green (and gold!) toys: 

1. Red: 

The Sportsheets Sedeux Flare dildo is a brilliant, sparkly red; its 1.25” diameter is well-suited for pegging or for anyone who likes a smooth, slightly-smaller-than-average toy. 

The Liberator Wedge is the best-selling sex positioning pillow out there! Check out the position drawings for ideas about how to make your holiday encounters more filling and/or more comfortable. 

Fun Factory Bouncer in red. This high-quality-silicone dildo not only comes in Santa red, but has three moving balls inside. You might even call them “jingle balls.” 

2. Green: 

Keep your sexy celebrations going strong with Sliquid Green Apple Lube, whose colorful label may remind you of a Christmas wreath. 

Or, the emerald green of Vixen Creations Gemstones will let you probe your inner depths. (Plus you could almost wrap their 14.25” length around a small Christmas tree, right?¹)

3. Gold: And where is any Christmas tree without a proper gold, shining star on top? The Rianne S. Gold Booty Plug Set is the closest thing you’ll find in a sex toy! These plugs are stainless steel plated with gold, with a round, jeweled base.  

Glowing Lights…and Dildos

Faint, twinkling lights are everywhere, shining outside in the cold…But if you’re looking for a glowing experience in the warmth of your bedroom, check out the NS Novelties Firefly 5” and Firefly 8” dildos. Their firm, glow-in-the-dark silicone lets you see a realistic dildo moving in and out of yourself or your partner, even in the darkest night. 

Rudolph the Red-Mouthed Ball Gag

OK, so maybe this one’s a bit of a stretch…but the giant red ball in this Sex and Mischief Ball Gag may bring to mind the beloved cervine hero, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. (And no, I don’t believe it’ll fit well over your nose—but you’re welcome to try!)

Stay Warm with a Heated Vibe

Brrr! If you do live somewhere where it’s chilly this time of the year², then I’m sure you have your coat and hat waiting by the door. If your vulva or prostate is looking for some extra warmth too, then never fear: L’Amourose has you covered. (Heh.) The Rosa Rouge is suited for vaginal and prostate stimulation, while the Prism VII Rouge is the most sophisticated dual-stim (“rabbit,” more informally) vibrator out there.

“He Sees When You Are Sleeping, He Knows When You’re Awake…”: BDSM Gear

Based on these lyrics, Ol’ St. Nick sounds like a creeper, doesn’t he? If you want to practice consensual punishment instead, then there’s a wide range of BDSM tools at your disposal. My top choice is the Fun Factory Bück Dich Dildo Paddle in Santa red. Or, if you’re looking to really drive somebody’s sleigh, get yourself a good leather whip, like the Edge Leather Twisted Whip or the Spartacus 20” Leather Thong Whip.

Candy Cane Cock Socks!

I’m going to be honest here: this is the single most ridiculous sex-related item I’ve ever written about. But, if you have a silly sense of humor like I do, consider getting one of these candy-cane-striped cock socks, the X-mas Tuggie, to display your or your partner’s goods with flair!

The Best Gift of All: Whatever You Want 

Finally, one thing that’s definitely superior to fruitcake is getting exactly what you want! Last year, Americans spent at least $9 billion on holiday gift cards.³ Peepshow Toys offers gift cards in the amounts of $10, $25, $50, $69, and $100, so your partner or close friend can choose whatever they most desire.

Wrapping It Up

From red and green toys, to glowing dildos, heated vibes, and striped cock socks, so many sex toys can get you in the holiday spirit. Here’s hoping your holidays are merry and bright, and filled with sexy goodness! 

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^{1. Please fully sanitize them before doing so. 😀 ↩}

^{2. For the record, I’ve been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt. You wouldn’t believe how difficult it is to get snowboots on and off while pregnant.↩}

^{3. Dollar amount taken from Alex Palmer, “Report: $46 Billion Spent on Gift Cards in 2016,” Incentive magazine, January 10, 2017, http://www.incentivemag.com/Gift-Cards/Retail/$46-Billion-Spent-on-Gift-Cards-in-2016-Packaged-Facts/.↩}