How to Get the Sex Life You Want

When I say “the sex life you want,” I don’t mean the hyper-idealized sex life of your fantasies. I mean a sex life that’s creative and satisfying. A sex life that fulfills your fantasies in a way that pleases both you and your partner(s). A sex life that’s possible in the real world – the sex life you deserve. 

If you’re reading this piece, there’s likely areas of your sex life that feel a little lacking. Maybe you’re not having sex as frequently as you’d like. Maybe your usual foreplay methods have become too routine. Maybe there are sex acts, positions, or saucy ideas you’ve been hoping to incorporate… but something’s holding you back. 

Let’s talk about what you and your partner(s) can do about it.

Actually know what you want. 

Maybe this advice sounds redundant – but oftentimes our goals are incredibly broad (“better sex,” “kinkier sex”) and it’s difficult to take action on vague generalizations. What do you want exactly

Maybe you want to have more sex. Are you wanting actual sex more often, or a greater presence of eroticism and intimacy in your relationship? If it’s “kinkier sex” you’re after, what kinds of kinks do you want to explore? What aspects of those kinks appeal to you?

“The inside of your head will always look very different to someone else’s, and so our interpretations of what [a sex or kink act involves] and why it’s hot are more likely to misalign than match perfectly. If you want someone to fulfill your fantasies, one of the most useful things you can do is articulate those fantasies. To yourself to begin with, especially if you’re nervous,” writes Girl on the Net in Sexual Communication: the ‘Why’ as Well as the ‘What.’ 

Identify why you aren’t already doing it. 

There are many potential barriers to having the sex life of our daydreams. Responsibilities like work, home upkeep, and caregiving usually get the lion’s share of our time and energy. It’s easy to let sex – and our relationships in general – fall by the wayside. 

Do you need to start making sex a bigger priority?

Other potential barriers include knowledge gaps (if you don’t know how to have safe anal sex you can’t incorporate pegging into your sex life), lack of communication (your partners won’t know you want your hair pulled more often unless you tell them), and unrealistic expectations (waiting for the day our lives transform into an effortlessly sexy porn means waiting forever.) 

It’s important to be honest about what’s getting in the way – so you can do something about it.

Communicate with your partner. 

Talking about sex can be difficult for numerous reasons. Whether you had subpar sex education, survived abuse, struggle with mental health, or you’re just plain awkward – voicing your desires can be incredibly intimidating! But if there’s things we want (or don’t want), we have to talk about it. Unless you're Scott Summers, it’s unlikely your partner(s) can read your mind. 

“When deciding whether to casually bring things up over coffee or just buy your partner Anal Pleasure & Health and throw it at them from a passing car, it’s important to consider how they’ll feel about your approach,” I wrote in Introducing a New Sexual Desire. “How can you prioritize their comfort and give them space to process your thoughts? What will you need to communicate to make sure you’re not misunderstood? If they don’t react the way you had hoped, how do you intend to handle their neutrality or rejection?”

Actually make time for sex. 

So the most common hurdle – never having the time – has a pretty obvious solution: make time. 

“Some people view scheduling sex ahead of time as “chore-ifying” sex, stripping away any playfulness or spontaneous sizzle. But what it actually strips away – if we let it – is the stress and guilt we feel about not being able to juggle everything and have a movie-perfect sex life,” I pointed out in The Benefits of Scheduling Sex.  

“Scheduling something means it’s important to you, that it’s worth prioritizing. There’s nothing sexier than feeling wanted. Scheduling also gives you time to make arrangements (such as hiring a sitter or getting something fun shipped to your door) and limit distractions (like keeping dinner short by getting takeout, making sure your housemates are out, or turning off your phone.)”

Do your research. 

Don’t know how to make those ‘sex life of your dreams’ ideas come to life? There are endless resources available right at your fingertips. From books (like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do by Kate Sloan, or Big Big Love by Hanne Black), to sex blogs, to Youtubers (like Watts the Safeword or Sexplanations.) Sex educators like Luna Matatas, Sexology Bae, and Goddess Cecilia offer online workshops and individual coaching sessions. There are entire platforms, like Kink Academy, that offer education, encouragement, and inspiration. 

The Peepshow Toys Blog itself is a richly detailed resource, with guides written by numerous educators – including yours truly!

Try things out solo first. 

Masturbation gives you the opportunity to explore things without your partner(s)’ influence or expectations. It’s a judgment and embarrassment free zone! If you’ve been curious about new ways to pleasure your penis, you might try things like vibration, sounding, or ball stretching on your own first. By the time you’re ready to introduce these new sex acts to a partner, you’ll be more familiar with what you like – and you can teach your partner how to give it to you. 

Even better, you can teach them in the moment with mutual masturbation: “Masturbating together allows you to show your partner(s) your body and its needs and preferences. Where and how you like to be touched, how you like to use your sex toys, how quickly or slowly you like to finish, what new fantasies or interests have been on your mind for exploration… Your body and how you like to use it are always changing. It’s an incredibly intimate thing to teach your partner(s) new things about yourself – and learn from them in return.”

Find sex toys and gear that suit your needs. 

Come on, you knew this one was coming! This is a sex toy shop blog after all. But seriously: when you’ve got a job to do, tools can help you get it done! 

Maybe you want to incorporate more oral sex in your sex life. A liberator wedge pillow can keep your hips hoisted and reduce neck strain for your partner. A neck ache can certainly get in the way of an all you can eat buffet. If you’re wanting your (equally enthusiastic) partner to take more control in bed, there are leashes and strap-on harness kits waiting! And if squirting more often is your aim, don’t forget a great g-spotter and waterproof throw

Shopping for sex toys together provides a great foundation for discussing your sex life too. As you traverse the categories, you can start discussing different elements of your intimacy. Maybe looking at massage oils can become a conversation about foreplay needs, or cock rings can inspire an honest exchange about how you’re feeling about penetrative sex lately. 

Make sure it’s not all about you. 

“In the throes of fantasy, your pleasure and your desires are paramount, because it’s just you and your imagination. But the domme of your daydreams and the person you’re dating may be two very different people. You can’t just give your partner a grocery list of kinks and expect them to replicate your fantasies. You have to recognize and prioritize your partner’s agency in every step of the negotiation process, because their interests, preferences, and comfort zone are just as important as your own,” I point out in Communication in BDSM.

Further, if you feel like your sex life could use freshening up, you’re probably not the only one!  Your partner(s) are probably interested in some changes too. Ask them if there’s an area that could use more focus, or if they’ve been fantasizing about something new recently. Be as open to their ideas and desires as you hope they are to yours!


Betty Butch (they/she) is a queer sex and relationships writer. By blogging about their experiences as a fat, trans, autistic person, they hope to help change the narrative of who has sex and what sex "should" be. Follow them on Twitter and Instagram.

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