What is BDSM Aftercare? And Why It’s Important by Tawney Seren

In this video, sex educator Tawney Seren explains what after care is, what steps you should take to check in with and take care of your partner(s) after BDSM, & how she incorporates it into her play.

Read the transcript

Hey Everyone! It’s Tawney, I’m here with PeepShow Toys. I have a really important subject I’d like to talk with you about. It is BDSM Aftercare.

Now if you are engaging in any sort of BDSM play with your partner, this is something that is very important to make sure that you are chatting with your partner about [and] learning about, and that you're catering to each other. Whether you're a Dom or a Sub, it’s something that a lot of people don't realize, that if you're dominant you still need aftercare. And, aftercare looks different for everyone. In a way it's kind of like stress release. Somebody might take a bath to kind of recoup their minds and get back. Some might just go dive right in an tackling to do lists. Don't ever assume you know how somebody needs to be taken care of, ask them. Make sure that they let you know, and if you're anticipating their needs because you're used to having sex with them, [and their] aftercare, always check in and make sure that those needs are still the same. We can all change our minds, and sex can be a thing that we change our methods or we change what we like. It’s something to always make sure you’re checking in on.

So let’s get to the facts. What is aftercare?

When you're in BDSM,  sometimes your mind and your body go to places that they don't normally go. It could be a shock to your system. Whether you're experiencing pain, whether your roleplaying, whether you're just vulnerable to a degree that you do not normally advertise to others, BDSM and having that sort of sexual connection with your partner can take a toll on both parties. It’s important to know that even if most of the energy is going towards making you feel something as a Sub, the Dom is also going to that mental place with you and changing things around and going outside the norm to cater to you. It's just as important to make sure that they're taken care of and recalibrated after this experience with you.

What is Aftercare? After care is different for everyone, like I mentioned before. For some it might be taking a bubble bath relaxing your body, a hot oil massage. If you are somebody who is engaging in spanking play, or whipping, or in any sort of pain play, it's important to make sure that your body is is being recalibrated as well as your mind. So, maybe a massage, maybe cuddles, kisses, something soft and gentle to offset what you just experienced with your partner.

For others it might be to be left alone. Maybe it's important to know that your partner does not need that massage and doesn't need hands on them, and that for them, getting back into the swing of things is just to relax in their own head and their own mind. It's important to have that conversation with your partner.

For me, really, it's being fed. I get very hungry after a very strenuous emotional or physical sexual session, and it’s really really respectful, in my opinion, for your partner to look at you and go, “are you hungry? Let me make sure you have water. You look out of it”. You might not be able to articulate what you need in that moment and it's good to make sure that, again, this conversation happened before you're engaging. And of course, understanding that depending on the session it might change altogether. Just make sure that you're having that conversation with your partner.

Some other ways that I've really enjoyed after care is just talking it over. Just ‘what did we just do, what did we like’? You know kind of disassociating yourself from that action point and being able to dissect it with your partner can sometimes be a really calming effect and solidify what you guys have done together and that you both enjoyed it liked it - and next thing you know you might find yourself out of that mindset.

But again, it's always important to know that both parties need aftercare. It's very important. A Dominant and a Sub does not mean that this Dominant consistently wants to potentially degrade you, beat you or otherwise just dominate you, depending on your relationship with your Dom. It’s important to know that in the root of it all they care for you. If you are having sex with somebody that doesn't to some degree care for your well-being, that can be an issue. It’s really good, you don't have to love the person. You don't have to be head over heels, ready to marry them. But just make sure that they are respecting your body and what she would like.

That being said, if the Dom is truly caring then in the end they're going to need to kinda come down with you. They just put you through a lot and they care about you. It’s important to make sure that they're well-fed and cuddled and [whatever] their aftercare may be.

Also, just something to keep in mind as I've been exploring BDSM and Aftercare: PeepShow Toys has a lot of products that are wonderful for after care. Whether it's warming oil or bubble bath or just body wash. It's a wonderful way to just bring yourself down. It's always important to remember this. So next time you're about to go through a very strenuous physical or emotional Dom and Sub BDSM make up with your partner, make sure that you're discussing ways that you can take care of each other afterwards. For a lot [of people], it can be more erotic than the act itself. So definitely explore that with your partner. Remember its importance and be safe and enjoy your BDSM adventure. It’s a beautiful world glad, you're in it.