How to Introduce New Kinks + Fetishes to Your Partner

Introducing kinks and fetishes to your partner(s) can be a very vulnerable and intimate experience. Let’s get some basic terminology down first. Kinks and fetishes fall outside *vanilla* (which is funny because vanilla has around 250 flavors) pleasure and sexual play. Kinks are outside that vanilla threshold and are arousing to you. They are a preference and something that enhances play. Kinks are also fluid and can be on a spectrum. Some days you might really want to be choked or want orgasm control and other times you might not want that. This can also change via partner(s) as well.

Fetishes also fall out of that vanilla threshold; however, they are needed to be sexually stimulated and aroused. I really enjoy, Taylor Sparks simple example of a kink vs a fetish: “Someone who finds wearing high heel shoes while having sex to be arousing has a high heel kink,” she says. “But someone who NEEDS high heels to be present during sex in order to experience arousal has a high heel fetish.” Now that we have our terminology down, let's get to communication. 

Before beginning the conversation, there are a few questions you might want to ask yourself: 

  • How do I best communicate with my partner(s)? 
  • What am I wanting to explore with my partner(s)?
  • What are my limits and boundaries in exploring ___?
  • Do I need to do any research to learn more about ___?
  • How will I feel if my partner(s) does not consent to partaking in ___?

After you feel like you have a good understanding of how you are feeling, I suggest having a sober and clothed conversation (outside of sexual setting) with your partner about the kink and or fetish you are wanting to try. Some questions to keep in mind to guide the conversation: 

  • Do you have any kinks or fetishes?
  • Have you and do you want to explore ___?
  • I am really interested in ___, and I am curious how you feel about it? 
  • Is this something you are interested and enthusiastically consenting to explore with me?
  • If you do not consent, how do you feel about me exploring this with other play partner(s) and or sex workers?
  • Do you have any limits or boundaries in exploring ___?
  • Do you want to research this together? 
  • Do you want to buy ___ with me? 
  • Do you want to ethically purchase porn or erotic content to see ways we can explore this with each other? 

Having communication is necessary, and you need enthusiastic consent from all partners. If someone is not wanting to explore the kink and or fetish, I encourage you to have the conversation of how can I still explore this part of me? Embrace your sexuality, sensuality, curiosity and pleasure. It is not something you need to hide or be ashamed of. 

Demanding Differently, 

Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.