How Do I Set Boundaries Within BDSM?

Boundaries. A very intimidating word. 

Boundaries are always easier said than done, and with time, it becomes easier to state them. It is also important to remember that boundaries can be fluid and vary person to person, experience to experience and time to time. That is why, especially within BDSM, it is important to discuss boundaries, hard limits and full, enthusiastic consenting YES’s. I think of it as a transparent and vulnerable for of open communication. A unique sensual foreplay I do with partners is a “Yes, No, Maybe” game. My favorite conversation is used with new and frequent play partners is the great starting point for a conversation surrounding what you are excited about, might want to try and what your hard no’s are. This conversation is always a good starting point to see where you and your partners are at within their kinks and BDSM spaces. I find it very erotic and intimate to talk about it, in a non-coercive fashion.

Consent is the most salient part of BDSM. I usually start the conversation with what my partner(s) enjoy doing on the receiving and giving side. I also ask what are their hard limits, things they do not want to do or spaces they want to enter. This ongoing conversation allows me to understand and get to know my partner(s) better, as well as a chance for me to advocate and discuss my hard limits and things I tend to enjoy on a constant basis (ie: hair pulling, spanking, light choking). I am a big advocate for exploring BDSM solo. This has been a helpful tool for me to safely tour myself and my desires. Yes, you can do BDSM on yourself, by yourself. It is very sensual and I find myself laughing with myself. 

Another principal I follow is: “Don’t Yuck My [someone’s] Yum”. This aspect is a constructive boundary for me because it shows mutual respect. If I am entering into BDSM space with a partner, I need to know this is a safer space for me to explore and gain pleasure from the things I enjoy. I also want them to know that I am holding a safer space for them to explore their pleasure. Again, transparent and vulnerable communication allows this conversation to flourish. 

I want to touch back on the fluidity of some boundaries. With certain BDSM partners, I have built an intimate rapport and I know that mutual respect is there. With those partners, I am more comfortable with certain name calling because I know through communication that they are using those words because it turns me on, not because they are trying to degrade me. If I do not feel fully comfortable and there with a partner, I do not allow them to use certain words, phrases and names. I communicate this all prior to play. Same thing goes with certain acts and scenes. 

Another important boundary I have is two safe words. I come from trauma and I find it helpful to have two different safe words. I have one that, when said, means to halt everything and we are finished with the scene and playing. This word means something triggered me and I need to go into my post BDSM care routine. I have a second safe word that is used when I want things to stop so we can talk about what just happened. Sometimes I need to process stuff verbally and I might notice a shift in emotions for myself, so I have a word that allows me to do so. 

My favorite favorite boundary is AFTERCARE  or POST BSDM CARE. I advocate for what I need after every scene and session. I always discuss this prior to physical play and I do a check in with my partner(s) after the scene has ended to see if the aftercare has shifted. I like to think of this boundary as a grounding and closing ritual. Something that brings us back to the here and now.