It’s pretty easy for sex to fall by the wayside. Busy or mismatched schedules, family obligations, work stress, an especially grueling D&D campaign – the reasons sex can wind up at the bottom of your to-do list (right next to ‘clean the gutters’) are innumerable. And the longer it languishes there, the harder it can become to prioritize and initiate it again.
The most important thing to remember is that a sexless relationship is not a crisis; in fact, for some folks, it’s an ideal relationship structure. A lack of sex isn’t a lack of love or intimacy, and it’s important not to conflate the two and put undue pressure on yourself and your partner(s).
But if sex is something you and your partner(s) have agreed is back on the table, how do you go from talking about gettin’ busy again to actually gettin’ busy? After a so-called “dry spell” it can be intimidating to hop into bed with intent. And unless the sex you’re having is kinky, “intimidated” isn’t the ideal frame of mind for foreplay.
So how do you and your partner(s) bring sexy back?
1. Explore each other.
Hello body, it’s about time we got reacquainted! Relearning and celebrating each other’s bodies can help reinforce your appreciation for your partner(s) and reestablish erotic intimacy. Explorations can take many forms, from grooming together to trading slow, sensual massages. Instead of rushing into sex, focus on the things sex often communicates – I adore you, I want you – and express those feelings through non-orgasmic touch and attention. As it turns out, not having sex can get pretty sexy.
2. Take sex less seriously.
It can be easy to perceive sex as this big, momentous occasion, especially when it hasn’t happened in awhile. But putting so much weight on bumpin’ uglies can throw the whole thing off balance. So lighten things up! Play a sexy game, blow a raspberry on somebody’s tummy, make a silicone copy of your partner’s junk!
Yeah, you heard me right. Clone-A-Willy and Clone-A-Pussy are fun, silly, and ultimately pretty sexy ways to combat nerves while also encouraging you to get personal with each others’ personal parts again. Giggle all the way through the modeling process, and then enjoy the glow-in-the-dark fruits of your labor – together!
3. Build anticipation.
There is nothing wrong with planning sex ahead of time. Spontaneity is not the only way to express passion. Sometimes sex has to be scheduled! And that’s great, because it gives you the opportunity to seed excitement.
Some people use the word “foreplay” to describe any non-penetrative sex acts, but foreplay is this: whatever leads up to engaging in sexual intimacy. Foreplay can be dressing in something provocative or wearing your partner’s favorite perfume. Foreplay can be sending a text a few hours before work is over: I can’t wait for our 11pm “meeting”. Foreplay can be a shared glance over dinner, a smile just because. And when sex is pre-planned, foreplay can be promises instead of seduction, and that’s a unique kind of fun.
4. Try something new.
There’s no such thing as a “boring” sex life, but experiencing something new together can reignite those curious sparks. Sometimes shaking things up can be as simple as buying a new toy together or trying a new position, but if you’d like a more definitive roadmap, there are kits like the We-Vibe Discover Box or Fifty Shades of Grey Advent Calendar that provide numerous avenues of pleasure exploration. There’s no rule that says you can only try one surprise at a time – open a few boxes at random and see what you can come up with. You even try everything all at once and then come back to your favorites next time.
The best part about trying something new is it encourages you to talk about your experiences. What worked, what didn’t? And what do you want to do next time?
5. Create something together.
Sometimes focusing too much on the act of sex becomes a barrier to enjoying it. Placing something else at the center of your sheet shenanigans – such as the Love is Art kit – can vastly lessen the stress of getting it on. Plenty of people attend wine and painting classes for date night; but instead of enduring small talk with strangers, you can mix your painting with bare shoulder kisses and fingerprints in red or black. Let your creative juices flow, and other juices may follow – and you’ll have a unique souvenir to remind you of the beautiful things you make together.